its noon, and im sitting here thinking about poems and drinking chai, when i really should be studying for my upcoming exams. i forgot this side of me, i buried the poetic parts of me because i was to busy trying to get through the summer, trying to convince myself that once i could get back to school, get away from home, i would be okay. i did it! i made it! im alive and in school now. the stress of academia is my favorite stress, one i would pick over and over again. being home is a kind of torture that makes my lungs close and my mind shut down. i would religiously listen to novo amor and bury myself in books and papers and microscope slides forever and ever if it meant never having to come home again. too bad that i am not strong enough to cut these sticky threads tying me back to my family, that i am too soft to leave them even if it means taking care of myself.
i will admit, i was excited to come home after 2 weeks of non-stop work, two weeks of studying and overthinking and working with barely enough time to eat, sleep for at least 6 hours, or squeeze time in for a shower. i thought it would be a nice mental break. but the sadness in the corners of the house, the dim, flickering lights my mom refuses to change, the arguments in the kitchen, the overwhelming blanket of a quiet and hateful life reminded me of how much i hate it here. it is such a shame. it is a beautiful house, a cozy, window-filled house. how could i not be grateful for that? but my stuff is all over the floor- i dont know where to put any of it. i tried to help my mom cook and she listed 20 reasons why i am not good enough to help her. i tried to watch a movie with my brother but he was too busy to come downstairs. its so lonely here. its quiet. i would call my friends, but the sound of my laughter when talking to the people i love most echoes a type of betrayal to the rest of the house.
my heart aches. i tried to bring laughter when i came back, tried to push away the stagnant air, but i was not successful. i tried, i really did, to make this place feel like home for all of us. but i find myself forcing my brain to shut down when im here, i try not to hear what is said to me. i keep to myself and try not to attract trouble. i force myself to forget. i let the wisps of memory slip away from my head, i turn on auto-pilot and try to take as little of home back with me, where ever i go.
i cant wait to go back to school. and i promise i will not take it for granted. i will study for hours with so much passion, that you can practically see my written notes swirling around my head. all the magic i loose at home, ill bring it back to there - twice as much. i will not let this place erase me. i promise this to the books and to my notebooks. my magic will live, no matter what.
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