a sailor, in pain

i listen to your voice memos.

it hurts.

god it hurts so much.

everything hurts, and i feel the pain sticking to me like black tar, feeding off of my organs like a plague and staining my blood dark.

i cope by bleeding out poison.

i cry when i hear my father talk about his bad dreams in the voice memos.

i never want to sleep again.

i feel my insides churn when i hear him say my name again.

why do i even care so much? why do i still grieve?

i feel anger when he talks about driving.

he promised me he’d teach me how to drive.

how long is this night?

i don't need anyone, i don't need anything.

but this fire is burning bright and its starting to burn me.

its stinging me and i cant remember why.

why i entertain this mess or why i try or why you left me with a hoodie and 3 sentences.

it’s so lonely here.

and it’s feeling so heavy.

when can i put this flame out?

how long until daytime?

i don’t care how fucked everything was before he died.

i’d let him hurt me again and again if it meant he’d just come back.

i’ll always be this way. god i’ll never let him go.

goodnight dad, i love you.